12 Months to a Better Marriage

June

The Role of a Wife

Have you taken time lately to stop and think about what it means to be a wife? What does God ask of us in this role? As always, the answers can be found in the Bible:

“Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.” Titus 2:4-5

 “Wives, submit to the husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife…” Ephesians 5:22

 “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

 “She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” Proverbs 31:27

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

As women of God we are called to be wives that are loving, respectful, and obedient to our husband, be keepers of our home, teach our children (if you have them) the way of the Lord, be not idle, and most importantly fear the Lord.

 I think that a lot of women have gotten caught up in trying to prove that they can accomplish just as much as a man can and they have lost the sight of the woman that God has called them to be. You might think I am old fashioned, but I believe that the place for a wife is at home, not in a workplace. However, if you are in the situation that your husband has asked you to work or you are working to keep up with the bills, then it is important that you remember that your first job is being a wife and making sure that your husband and household is taken care of.

 If you read the description in Proverbs of the Wife of Noble Character it is hard to imagine keeping up with her. She is busy from sun up to sun down taking care of her husband and children. She is selfless and a hard worker.  She is not idle, or another way of saying it is she isn’t lazy. You might not think you have time to accomplish all that the Wife of Noble Character accomplishes but let me ask you: how much time do you spend talking on the phone or texting? On the computer? Looking at facebook, twitter, or some other social media? Watching TV? Or doing some other hobby? How much of that time could be devoted to something that would be productive in your relationship with God or your husband?

It is easy to make excuses for what you don’t get accomplished or to point the finger at what your husband isn’t doing to fulfill his role; but I can assure you that the easy way will not benefit you or your marriage. I challenge you to spend some time this month looking at what God is calling you to in your role as a wife and see what changes you need to make in yourself and your time in order  to benefit your marriage.

 

 

May

Unrealistic Expectations

“And they lived happily ever after…” Is this what you expected out of marriage? Did you expect to marry Prince Charming, but now you feel like Cinderella slaving away?

Are you a fan of romantic comedies? Most women are, but have you ever taken the time to stop and think about how these movies affect your marriage and the expectations that you have in your husband. In an article in Time magazine Dr. Bjarne Holmes stated, "Relationship counselors often face common misconceptions in their clients — that if your partner truly loves you they'd know what you need without you communicating it, that your soul mate is predestined. We did a rigorous content analysis of romantic comedies and found that the same issues were being portrayed in these films." Have you ever stopped to think about if these movies are beneficial or harmful to your marriage? You might think I am going to an extreme here, but I have to disagree. Have you ever after watching a movie thought “I wish my husband were more like that” or “why doesn’t my husband do that for me”?  This is one of the reasons that it is important to guard yourself from these unrealistic expectations. When we create or hold onto unrealistic expectations in our marriage we set our husband up to fail.

The tricky thing with expectations is that sometimes we do not even realize that we have them. You might watch a movie where the man is romancing the woman and then later be angry with your husband for not doing the same for you. You might not even realize at the time that your bitter feelings are stemming from unrealistic expectations created by Hollywood.

It is important to remember that a marriage is not about what you get out of it, but what you put into it. You will never have the truly satisfying marriage that God has designed if you are more concerned with what you are getting and how you are being treated then what you are giving. No person is perfect and it is a guarantee in marriage that there are going to be times that your husband lets you down and there are going to be times that you let him down. But if you focus more on what he is doing right, it will start to be harder to see those areas that might need a little work

 This month I challenge you to think of one positive thing about your husband each day and communicate it to him. Think of something that he does well, a quality that you like in him, something that you respect or admire and tell him. Start to build your husband up by letting him know that you see the good in him and you appreciate him and his work. Let your expectations go and appreciate the man that you have.

 

 

April

Communication

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” (James 1:19) I think this verse can speak a lot into the wife’s role in communication in marriage. I have a problem with listening and thinking before I speak. I like to get my point across and I like to make sure that my husband is hearing me. I want to make sure that I am understood so I have the tendency to continue to talk until I either feel he has heard me, agrees with me, and understands or I am so frustrated and in tears that I give up. I started to think that maybe this is a problem for other wives as well. Everyone has heard the study that women speak 20,000 words a day and men speak around 7,000. I wonder how our marriages would improve if as wives we chose to only speak words that were positive and helpful? If when in an argument with our husbands we chose to listen first, stop and think, and then respond verbally. If when communicating with our husbands we decided to try understanding before we tried to be understood. How much better would our marriage be if we did not make comments like “I told you so” or “you should have listened to me”?

 

What are some other ways that as wives we can speak our 20,000 words more effectively with our husbands? We can say what we need without making him have to guess. It is common for women to not say exactly what we want because we want our husband to show they love us and

know us by figuring it out. Has your husband ever asked you what was wrong and you said “nothing” even though you both knew that wasn’t true? Next time try not making your husband have to guess what is going on with you. Tell him specifically what you need; this will do both of you good. Or have you ever had a rough day or situation and you just wanted to talk to your husband about it? You wanted a listening ear, love, comforting, and understanding. Your husband instead gave you advice and told you what you should do differently in the situation next time. This is because God wired our husbands to solve problems. It is ingrained in them to want to fix our situations. Next time try telling your husband that you just want him to listen and he doesn’t need to solve anything. This will let him know exactly what you are looking for and help avoid a misunderstanding.

How would your relationship with your husband change if you talked less and listened more? Try asking your husband open ended questions and then listen to what he has to say. Try asking your husband about a topic that he is interested in, then take the step to actually listen. If you don’t understand something he is talking about then ask him for more details. This month I challenge you to use your words more wisely. You would be amazed at how much you could learn about your husband if you would take the time to listen more and talk less.

March

 

February

Are You Fulfilling Your Husband?

Does Valentine’s Day bring to your mind getting flowers and a card from your husband, a special present or jewelry, a nice dinner out? While these are things that women tend to appreciate, how can you show love to your husband? How can you romance your husband?

Proverbs 5: 18-19 states “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer – may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” I believe that there are two ways to view this verse for a wife. The first is the easy way; this verse is saying that our husbands should love us and be satisfied with us always. The second way is to look at it and ask ourselves if we are fulfilling what God has designed for marriage and spoken to us through this verse. Are you allowing your husband to rejoice with you, be satisfied with you and by you, are you working to captivate your husband?

 The verse that follows the two mentioned above says, “Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?” Ladies, this verse is sending us an important message. We have a responsibility as wives to fulfill our husbands. Men were created by God as visual beings. When we are making a choice to leave our husbands unfulfilled we are opening a door for Satan to step in and bring temptation to our men. Sharon Jaynes states, “That is the fright of refusal. Could I actually be tempting my husband to sin by denying him sexually? Yes. If we are not meeting our husband’s needs, we are asking for trouble. This type of action, or I should say, lack of action, on our part will cloud his thinking, discourage his manhood, and encourage him to look elsewhere.” While there is no excuse for a man who gives in to temptation, there is no excuse for a wife who chooses to leave her husband unfulfilled. Why not decide to satisfy your husband to the point that there is no temptation that could come to him in this area because he is getting everything he needs plus some at home?

Don’t just be willing when your husband is interested, make the first move. Respond with a loving attitude. Jaynes also explains this well when she wrote, “A woman who fulfills her wifely duties out of obligation does not produce a sexually fulfilled husband. That would be like a husband handing his wife a dozen roses on their anniversary and saying, ‘I didn’t really want to get you these roses. Seems like a waste of good money to me. But I read somewhere that I’m supposed to do something like this because it’s our anniversary. Hope you enjoy them.’ Would you enjoy such a presentation?” If you have been refusing your husband take a moment and think about what your reasons are. If you are too tired then you need to alter your schedule. When your schedule is so busy that your husband’s needs and desires are cut out, your priorities need to be corrected. If you have children who are presenting a problem then spend a little money and get a hotel room or set and enforce a lights out time. If you have low confidence about your looks, then take a step to address it. Your husband wants you to look your best for him. Your husband doesn’t care if you are a size 2; he just wants to enjoy you. But remember that a great way to respect your husband is to take care of yourself. Take the time to freshen up for your husband. Wear something that pleases him and style your hair the way that he wants (don’t just the follow the trend). Take care of your body and allow your husband to enjoy it.

The most important things is the attitude that we choose to have when it comes to fulfilling our husbands sexually. When it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter if you “feel” like it or not. When you married your husband you committed to meeting his needs and fulfilling him. We know what the right thing to do is, so there is no point in trying to justify or make excuses. Choose the right action, do so lovingly, and the feelings will follow. Ladies, I would like to challenge you this month to love your husbands and make the move to fulfill him. If you feel you already are, do even more. Make your husband feel like the luckiest man in the world!

 

 

January

Who is Getting Your Best?

With the beginning of a new year lots of women decide to make resolutions. Most of the time resolutions seem to revolve around weight loss, exercise, getting organized or scrapbooking more. I want to challenge you to use this New Year to transform your marriage by transforming yourself.

 Everyone has been given the advice that the only person you can change is yourself. If this is true then why do we as wives spend so much time trying to transform our husbands into the person who is going to meet every single one of our needs, which is impossible? The reason is that it is so much easier to blame problems on someone else. It’s easier to say “when he really shows me that he appreciates me, then I will give him my best”. This is not the design that God has for marriage. Use 2012 as the year that you decide to make your marriage better than ever by taking the first step; don’t wait for your husband to change. Use this year as the year to become the right person for your husband; the woman of his dreams.

My first challenge is to really take time to determine who is getting your best? The first step for your marriage is to make sure that God is your first priority in your life and your marriage. I challenge you that if you aren’t already, spend the first part of the day in prayer and study with God. Make God the 1^st priority in your life. Without this nothing else matters. My second challenge is to make sure that you are putting your husband second.

Who is currently getting your best? Is it your children? Your job? Your friends? Your hobbies? Your extended family? Is it yourself? In today’s world women are becoming more and more selfish with our time and our gifts and talents. Women want to be successful in the workplace, have “girls’ night out”, and spend time in their hobbies. While none of these things are necessarily bad in themselves, we as wives have a greater calling, to put our husbands before ourselves. There is also a common problem in marriage that when children come along wives tend to bump their husband down in their list of priorities. I know that children are demanding and we as mothers have a responsibility in raising our children. However, you actually set a better example and give your children a healthier environment when you show them that your husband comes first. You set an example for them of what a Godly wife and marriage can be.

Correcting this problem in your marriage can be very difficult because in a sense you are dying to self. Every time you want to say “What about me?” you instead choose to look at what you can do for your husband. Instead of thinking “I don’t feel loved” you choose to think “how can I show my husband I love him today?” Instead of looking at what your husband is doing wrong, you make sure you are doing right! It means that instead of doing what you “feel” like doing, you choose to do what is right.

Putting God first is a way to honor your husband and putting your husband second is a direct way to honor God. This is the first step to a better a marriage.